Walked Away

Still finding myself.

There’s no one to blame.

Experiences have made me to be the way I am. Doesn’t mean I’m always right. But when I’m wrong will you always walk away from me? Instead of seeing that I’m trying. Why you do walk away from me? I have abandonment issues and you know that but you always walk away from me. Love is more than a feeling. Cause love isn’t always pretty. It’s sacrificing a lot of things because you care about another person. Love is unconditional. Well at this point it is conditional because when you get scared you always walk away from me. Is my efforts not enough? Am I caring too much? Are my feelings too up and down for you to hold me down? Wouldn’t you want someone to love you even when you’re down? If you were me would you walk away from you? Because you don’t always understand? And sometimes you can’t communicate how you’re feeling because you’re scared? Scared that no matter what I say you’ll always walk away from me.

So no I don’t wanna be friends, I wanted us to hold on to our love because it was real to me, but you don’t understand

I can’t be friends with someone I want to spend forever with. So just let me go and never come back to me. Because I’m not sure what I’ll do next time you let me in and be disappointed with me and walk away from me again.

So just go. It hurts me so bad to say that. To even let you walk away. But how can I build or even grow with someone who chooses to continue to walk away from me.

I know I’m not easy to be with. I’m damaged by my past. Trying to figure this life out the best way I can. With very little to go off of cause so many people walked away from me.

Damn. She walked away from me.

My History Reflects My Present

My History Reflects My Present

I got daddy issues

I got mommy issues

The two that were suppose to introduce me to real unconditional love, only provided me with neglect

Maybe that’s why I’m not whole yet.

Trying to fill voids of their trauma in the women I chose to love, and I still have nothing that I wanted

Because my history destroyed me.

I couldn’t love myself because I didn’t know my worth, and while I’m on this healing journey for myself and to be better for myself, I have to deal with all their pain.

Cause why I have to forgive you? Why do I have to do your healing work and mine? So I can be greater?

Do they realize the task they put us in the front of? It’s a lot to ask for one person to do. As I stand here in this position because apparently I’m the one to break the curse I wonder even if I’m equipped to finish the task.

Cause truthfully I didn’t ask to be here.

So when I’m at odds with either one of them, I’m cursing them out and talking my shit because I mean why NOT?

What respect have you earned.

Yes I understand having grace but how much grace can you give the ones who were suppose to love you?

Pops tried to kill me once, mama left her man to abuse me, I mean how can you respect people like that?

I love them. I do. But I hate who they are as people & That’s truth.

I wonder when I’ll be whole to love myself and someone else, then also feel the pressure to get it together so my daughter won’t feel what I feel for them, for me.

My history was destroying my present.

But it will NOT destroy my future.

We’re healing loudly and proudly. Even if I don’t finish the race, I’m doing my part and passing the Paton to my kid, cause at some point in this life, we have to do better than they did.

Healing Journey

Choosing to be sober and deal with life ….. came with so much I didn’t expect. Emotions like crazy. Apologizing. Forgiving myself and others. Accountability. Loving on purpose. Thinking of how I can affect someone in multiple ways, so I’m making sure I don’t make the wrong ones. Just simply wanting to work on trauma and heal so that I can be at peace. Peace within self. You’ve ever experienced so much noise, that it gets so loud you can’t take it? Then decide ok THIS IS ENOUGH!!! I want PEACE so I got to take out this trash and unpack all this trauma so I can win and do better for the future mini me’s. I’ve cried so much, talked out so much, realized why I do this and that! & it’s beautiful but UGLY! Because you experience yourself in the most truest form. The good the bad, the ugly, the vulnerability, the ego, the pride, the little girl and the grown woman. Taking it all in to love on purpose and to possess wholeness and love and freedom of happiness because I did the work. The journey gets lonely because you have to choose between the past and how it’s been going and, what you desire to be. Not both. One or the other, which could cause you to lose friends or family. So to anyone who’s also on this path, know I am too. Far from perfect and not trying to be, just trying to be better than I was/am. -B❤️

Is This The End?

When ya at your lowest and feel there’s no reason to live. No one you can’t count on. No one to help. No one who loves you like they claim. All my life I been put in the back seat while people drove recklessly ending every piece of me I’ve tried to hold onto. Like I’m in this sucker ass game playing a crash dummy allowing someone to keep pushing this button allowing me to crash into this brick wall over and over again. Meanwhile there’s a crowd of people screaming I love you but have the power to end your pain. I thought love was an action word. To me it just seems to be something people say just because. To get you wrapped in everything they want you to, because it’ll benefit them. Not realizing the action behind it can save a life. A lot of lives. Sorry if my deepest feelings offend you. Sorry if you don’t have people that can hold you. Truth is no one shows or tells you how much you mean until it’s the end of you. To tell the truth it’s just hell on earth so I understand why some take there own lives risking the possibility of going there themselves saying it can’t be worse than this. Hoping God will forgive. Hoping he can save you. Like you’re out here to deal with all this pain telling me over and over I will put no more on you than you can bare. But this load too heavy God, I can’t even stand, fighting against demons as if I wasn’t already defeated since life began. Damn. Is this it?

IsItTheEnd?

IsThisTheEnd?

Untitled.

I know there’s a love out here like in the movies. I know it because how would they know how to display something that didn’t happen. I want a love like that. I want to love all of someone and someone love all of me. Even with our flaws we just work through them together because of how much we love each other. That we see the bigger picture when rough times occur, and don’t lose sight of what’s important. Because what’s the point of living a life that doesn’t have love in it. We weren’t meant to be sad and lonely. But to love and be loved. I want that love. My rock and motivation for living. I want to feel incomplete without my mate next to me every second we’re apart. I want to feel an off balance alone becuz I know that with that one I’m whole.

From A Distance.

I had a crush on you, though you never knew me. Always thought you were cute and I heard stories bout the person you came to be. 

It wasn’t no stalker shit, I never pressed the friend request button, but always wanted to but I felt I wasn’t worthy. I wondered if you were loved properly, as I just knew I could do it better those other chicks wasn’t worthy. I’d fantasize kissing you like in one of those movies. It actually kinda funny. I imagined making love and babies and marriage like I knew you personally. Like I had an encounter with you at least once in life, how I wish you were my story. Like you were mine and we could build something and make history, like the chains that were bound upon us was the challenge for us to become an icon. I thought wrong. Had this vision in my head like someone forgot to turn the lights on, cause it seems kinda crazy to fantasize about you the way I did and could never build up the courage enough to say I wanted you, so strong. But I’d never thought I would have a chance so I took a different road on. My existence wasn’t a factor in your world, I couldn’t love you or talk to you though I imagined many times you were the one. I promise I’m not crazy to have all these thoughts about someone, especially someone I never met in life. And I don’t think I’m wrong for the thought of you in my arms. 

(To be continued)…..

Brianna Whittington ©

I Can…….

I can love the part you hate the most about yourself, where you see an emptiness, I see a place I can fill. 

I can see past your fear, of loving someone and being hurt, I’ve been there too, but it’s more than your heart that I see in you. 

I can change how others made you feel, by loving you the way you always wanted but always lacked and accumulated many disappointments that brought you to this moment. 

I can make you question my love, but once I show you all I can do, I can also make you accept what your not use to. 

I can make you laugh and feel wanted, I can play with your body and love your mind yet carefully hold your heart in the same place as mine. 

I can give you more than the usual. But can you handle the abnormality of what I’m willing to hand you. 

I can make foreign things become home, and that means safe, but I understand your fragile from the past and this is a weird place, yet I’m willing to do it all and still wait. 

Bruises heal in time, it takes taking care of wounds for them to heal, so why not let me care for those wounds and we both watch what’s real. 

I can and I know you want me to, but don’t let the past make you miss out on what’s rare and true. Someone who don’t love them can never love you, and I love myself enough to love more than you. 

Finding Me

​I fell deep for someone who didn’t love me the same. 

Someone I would’ve went to war for didn’t even know my name. 

Tragedy in my heart when I had to let it go, knowing you were my everything and I couldn’t let you know. 

I’m always incomplete now cause I feel like you took the best of who I am when you decided to up and leave, but I’m trying to move forward and find you to get closure but now the trail of my broken  heart is covered with others broken pieces too. 

Why it takes years to find myself and when it only took you a matter of seconds to murder mine?

Why can’t i rewind the time and avoid meeting you or giving you a chance. 

True enough what’s done is done. One day I’ll find the part of me I lost in you. Once I found the one who can’t live without me, like I thought I couldn’t breathe without you. 
-B

Broken

At one point I loved you more than myself. I would’ve given anything to make sure you were alright. Now I’m getting the boot, when I remember those who has done worse and still you keep them near. Someone you’ve known a lifetime stabbed you in the back and I’ve only been around some years and held you down more. I didn’t change up or disguard you for another. I kept my promise and treated you like you wanted. Done so many things I can’t undo but like you’ve been hurt I’ve been hurt too. But I forgive and forget because I know you hold a beauty inside my heart no one can. I think the fact you know I can’t see me without you, makes you leaving me knowing it hurts me the worst. Everywhere I go I see your face, every laugh we shared in in every place. Every moment in awake I just wonder how can I make you say, I love you too and I’m still here with you. Heart hurting I can’t fake it. People ask what’s wrong cause I can’t hide it, and I can’t share cause it’s deeper than they’ll understand. Why can’t I just forget you why can I let go. Because I loved you from the soul something you never knew, and could ever appreciate. That I’d do anything for you be anything you needed. Now I have to go on pretending, like I never loved you, like you never existed. 
Lost without you 

Tears of Pain

Not sure how many of you actually watch the news. Personally I don’t. I get very emotional and angry because of the violence and lack of Justice in the system and on the streets. 

I’ve watched too many videos of murders and people in courtrooms crying out in an agony I can’t seem to catch a grip of my own tears. My heart seems to always go out to the mothers and fathers that lose their children over and over everyday to some act of foolishness. 

The issue is my warm heart and I won’t use issue I will say a gift. Not too many care about others but I see them and instantly wish there’s something I can do to help. That’s the heart of a giver. 

Life’s too short but it shouldn’t be. Many say it’s in Gods plan but I don’t believe it ALL is his plans. It’s the work of the enemy and we have a hit out on our lives because of where we come from. We are targets for failure and lied on when we become successful and targeted if we tell the truth about what’s really going on. 

It’s a level of pain I can’t seem to take in all alone. I share this same anger with a few of my friends who feel they only step ahead to get knocked back 10. I have no “it will get better” speeches anymore. I have no “keep pushing” notes. All I have is my eyes that sees so much pain in others I can’t seem to comfort their level of pain. 

What can you say to a mother and father that lost their 6 year old?

What can you say to a young man who years were locked away in a prison for something he didn’t do?

What can you tell the mothers when their men are locked away and no man is around for their children? When they have to work 3 jobs to make ends meet alone and can’t be there around the clock for the children. 

So what happens? The streets raise the children and it’s a repetitive curse on people. 

It use to be villages. Those who watched out for others. Now there are self centered ones who only care about their own. When really everyone is our responsibility.