This Is My Sorry

I don’t deserve you.

I don’t deserve to be your friend or your lover.

The way you treat me is so loving and you may be the perfect one but I’m blinded by my own bullshit.

You’ve opened up so many ways to me, and like a best friend to me.

I’ve tried so hard not to hurt you, but low key I did without realizing.

Somethings you haven’t said but I can see it in your eyes. The disappointment of wishing I could get it together and pick you.

But I’m too busy doing the wrong things that I can’t really see you.

I can’t see that your good for me, and the things you’ve done.

I can’t see how u make me smile and I forget about life when I’m with you.

I can’t see how you naturally take care of me.

And I’m sorry for not choosing you. I’m sorry that my heart is still with her.

But I can’t lie a piece of it is with you too.

But I didn’t realize it until now.

The same feelings I tried to deny because I knew I wasn’t good enough right now for you.

You deserve better after all you’ve been through and I still hurt you and I really didn’t mean to.

But through out all of it I just want my friend. My peace through my storm and growth and hurt. That’s what you are and I hate I can’t say I wanna be with you but I have to see this through with her. I hope you understand and I hope we could remain friends, but if not I totally understand and just hope you know, I never meant to hurt your heart again.

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Separated.

I lost my world. She was the type of girl that knew how to make you smile when you had a bad day. The type that would make you mad but so beautiful that looking into her eyes would change every bit of anger you might’ve felt. She’d rub my chest so effortlessly and with each stroke I felt so much love. Her smile would brighten up and bad day or make a good one much more vibrant. We had fun, so much of it. She introduced me to new things and places and a different level of maturity but things took a turn. She turned into someone I wasn’t use to. Then instead of being beautiful together it became damaged. Broken. Sad. Depressing. Always love between the both of us but because of life we skipped passed loving each other to being against one another. Not realizing that as long as we had each other we would figure things out together. But we both lost sight and acted out in ways that tarnished our union. We tried to get it back we knew we fucked it up. We didn’t know how to get it right so I had to let her go. Doesn’t mean my heart don’t ache knowing I’m going to wake up alone now. That, her smile isn’t going to light my heart like it use to. That those laughs and moments we shared is now just memories and I can’t live them. There’s no more US. We’re two souls that were together and now we’re over and going our separate ways I can’t help but to feel like somethings missing. And it’s you. But in my mind I know it’s the right thing to do. They said true love find its way back, and even if we don’t find our way back I’m still lucky to have known what a piece of love felt like.

It was never meant….

I never meant to hurt you, never meant to make you cry, but in it I was alone and it took a while to decide. 

Decided if it was meant to hold on to, decide if I was thinking too much, even decide to let you go because of how hard I seen you try. 

It was never meant to break you, never meant to hurt you, never my intentions to become like the others, which is why I told the truth. 

I didn’t hide how I felt and didn’t treat you like shit, I didn’t even go out of my character and solved my frustration with my fist. 

I was meant to show you what love looked like and prepare you for who you were meant for. I knew it wasn’t me I was just kidding myself and got caught up in lust that love never took place. 

I didn’t get butterflies, or felt like I couldn’t do it without you. You may have felt it for me but it was a one way story. 

True love will just happen not forced. I didn’t want to force myself to care for you in a way you did for me cause it wasn’t fair to me. Neither to you to have to wait for me to be sure if you were the one to grow with. 

I wanted to feel like everything in the room stopped when I seen you. Like my heart skipped a beat once I kissed you. Like the night was my favorite cause I would wake up next to you. 

It wasn’t meant to lead you into a path of hurt, it just wasn’t meant for us to work. 
 

Broken 

At one point I loved you more than myself. I would’ve given anything to make sure you were alright. Now I’m getting the boot, when I remember those who has done worse and still you keep them near. Someone you’ve known a lifetime stabbed you in the back and I’ve only been around some years and held you down more. I didn’t change up or disguard you for another. I kept my promise and treated you like you wanted. Done so many things I can’t undo but like you’ve been hurt I’ve been hurt too. But I forgive and forget because I know you hold a beauty inside my heart no one can. I think the fact you know I can’t see me without you, makes you leaving me knowing it hurts me the worst. Everywhere I go I see your face, every laugh we shared in in every place. Every moment in awake I just wonder how can I make you say, I love you too and I’m still here with you. Heart hurting I can’t fake it. People ask what’s wrong cause I can’t hide it, and I can’t share cause it’s deeper than they’ll understand. Why can’t I just forget you why can I let go. Because I loved you from the soul something you never knew, and could ever appreciate. That I’d do anything for you be anything you needed. Now I have to go on pretending, like I never loved you, like you never existed. 
Lost without you 

Tears of Pain

Not sure how many of you actually watch the news. Personally I don’t. I get very emotional and angry because of the violence and lack of Justice in the system and on the streets. 

I’ve watched too many videos of murders and people in courtrooms crying out in an agony I can’t seem to catch a grip of my own tears. My heart seems to always go out to the mothers and fathers that lose their children over and over everyday to some act of foolishness. 

The issue is my warm heart and I won’t use issue I will say a gift. Not too many care about others but I see them and instantly wish there’s something I can do to help. That’s the heart of a giver. 

Life’s too short but it shouldn’t be. Many say it’s in Gods plan but I don’t believe it ALL is his plans. It’s the work of the enemy and we have a hit out on our lives because of where we come from. We are targets for failure and lied on when we become successful and targeted if we tell the truth about what’s really going on. 

It’s a level of pain I can’t seem to take in all alone. I share this same anger with a few of my friends who feel they only step ahead to get knocked back 10. I have no “it will get better” speeches anymore. I have no “keep pushing” notes. All I have is my eyes that sees so much pain in others I can’t seem to comfort their level of pain. 

What can you say to a mother and father that lost their 6 year old?

What can you say to a young man who years were locked away in a prison for something he didn’t do?

What can you tell the mothers when their men are locked away and no man is around for their children? When they have to work 3 jobs to make ends meet alone and can’t be there around the clock for the children. 

So what happens? The streets raise the children and it’s a repetitive curse on people. 

It use to be villages. Those who watched out for others. Now there are self centered ones who only care about their own. When really everyone is our responsibility. 

It All Can’t Be Golden

Life. 

Boy sometimes it’s a love hate relationship with you. Sometimes I love you because of the possibilities and the love and affection given. Then I hate you for my falls and my trials and the way being down have my emotions. 

They say pressure is good. But Life you can come with so many ups and downs which makes you beautiful. Well sometimes if I’m being truthful. 

This ugly earth and its pain I can’t just sit around while lives are being taken, and the homeless left without a place to live or food to eat, while most are throwing away what they were given. 

Not earned in any way. Those are the ones that takes advantage of the good. While in the bad they try to make the best. 

Talk about unfair talk about grief. Talk about pain and struggle talk about what’s above the surface and ignore what’s beneath. 

The loud cries for justice for this 9 year olds parents. She was just sitting in her home- a safe place we thought- to turn around and get hit by a bullet. Plain innocence not wrong. They are taking childhoods away and we stand back and watch and won’t say a word. 

Street Cred goes to those who stand up against wrong in my book. You get respect because of who you are and if you stand for something. Not for hiding and ruining lives of others by living in an image of a thug. 

I’m frustrated and I’m angry all these topics and no solutions but more than that no people standing as one to resolve this confrontation. 

Sometimes i wish I could live in my dreams and remain unconscious because being conscience seems to be a reality and level of hell I wasn’t prepared for. 

Exposure

Exposure

I allowed my shield to be withdrawn from my world. Then I allowed you to explore my land. Know my ins and outs, my beauty and my rough areas that needed some reconstruction. You came to me telling me your good at rebuilding and I agreed to let you help me rebuild my world into something beneficial to more than myself to give back into what my dreams were. 

I opened myself in every way I could. True naked exposure. 

While I was exposing my world you didn’t let me explore yours. When I asked questions as to what your dreams were, you always answered my focus is you. 

I didn’t see the signs of secrecy. 

The entire time I was exposing myself and I realize the hurt behind it, I found you did expose yourself. As the deceiver you truly were. You took my beautiful exposure as a field to plot your advantage spree. 

So now as I re-shield my world, the next explorer will have to prove more of their worthiness to journey through my truths.