Choosing to be sober and deal with life ….. came with so much I didn’t expect. Emotions like crazy. Apologizing. Forgiving myself and others. Accountability. Loving on purpose. Thinking of how I can affect someone in multiple ways, so I’m making sure I don’t make the wrong ones. Just simply wanting to work on trauma and heal so that I can be at peace. Peace within self. You’ve ever experienced so much noise, that it gets so loud you can’t take it? Then decide ok THIS IS ENOUGH!!! I want PEACE so I got to take out this trash and unpack all this trauma so I can win and do better for the future mini me’s. I’ve cried so much, talked out so much, realized why I do this and that! & it’s beautiful but UGLY! Because you experience yourself in the most truest form. The good the bad, the ugly, the vulnerability, the ego, the pride, the little girl and the grown woman. Taking it all in to love on purpose and to possess wholeness and love and freedom of happiness because I did the work. The journey gets lonely because you have to choose between the past and how it’s been going and, what you desire to be. Not both. One or the other, which could cause you to lose friends or family. So to anyone who’s also on this path, know I am too. Far from perfect and not trying to be, just trying to be better than I was/am. -B❤️
I lost my world. She was the type of girl that knew how to make you smile when you had a bad day. The type that would make you mad but so beautiful that looking into her eyes would change every bit of anger you might’ve felt. She’d rub my chest so effortlessly and with each stroke I felt so much love. Her smile would brighten up and bad day or make a good one much more vibrant. We had fun, so much of it. She introduced me to new things and places and a different level of maturity but things took a turn. She turned into someone I wasn’t use to. Then instead of being beautiful together it became damaged. Broken. Sad. Depressing. Always love between the both of us but because of life we skipped passed loving each other to being against one another. Not realizing that as long as we had each other we would figure things out together. But we both lost sight and acted out in ways that tarnished our union. We tried to get it back we knew we fucked it up. We didn’t know how to get it right so I had to let her go. Doesn’t mean my heart don’t ache knowing I’m going to wake up alone now. That, her smile isn’t going to light my heart like it use to. That those laughs and moments we shared is now just memories and I can’t live them. There’s no more US. We’re two souls that were together and now we’re over and going our separate ways I can’t help but to feel like somethings missing. And it’s you. But in my mind I know it’s the right thing to do. They said true love find its way back, and even if we don’t find our way back I’m still lucky to have known what a piece of love felt like.
You hear or see on television, how parents or grandparents ask children what do you want to be when you grow up?
They’d know and say loud and firm a doctor, a lawyer, a firefighter, policeman, super hero, etc.
Here I am today left without an answer.
No one asked me. I explored my talents like basketball, drawing, poetry, running, singing. Not once did someone ask what I wanted out of this life. Here as I stand as an adult and they want an answer and a final decision on where I’m going, seeing that my thirties aren’t that far away. They expect more and I expect to have a decision yet when I go to speak in mute.
I have multiple ideas. Oh yea! Multiple. What I would like to do and even those answer none of them, well maybe a couple relate but they are so far stretched its like trying to tell your mom she’s wrong.
I sound difficult right? But I’m being honest. I want to be able to make strong decisions. But my focus to stick to one life career choice is really a big mess. College? No College? Work here? Work for myself? Volunteer ? Just all over the map.
Usually when asked what you want to be your parents or whomever help to steer you in that path. See I’ve been looking out for myself since a kid and even then I was lost as to what to do. I was told maybe you have a disorder where you have trouble staying focus although possible it still isn’t a excuse.
I’m bringing awareness to the importance of asking questions you may have not even considered that may affect a child’s life. It’s important to know and support their goals. Even if they’re like me “indecisive” still help talk out of them what it is they really want and help them get there.
Be present in support.
I have been looking into sending my soon-to-be 5 year old into private school. The public schools here in Milwaukee just isn’t the best. One problem, the COST of private schooling when your a one income home and no help. I tried to find more scholarships and grants to help and I won’t give up yet. But, it struck a nerve of mine to know how hard it is when you truly want the best for your children. How much money and even more sacrifices I will have to make to get her into one. I will pray that God sends help to get her into one. Public schools aren’t the worst but they just don’t have a heart in them like it use to when I was coming up. It’s sad but also its bad. The inner city as they call bad neighborhood kids don’t get a great education. Barely anything, although I work with my daughter at home and she’s very advanced for a 4 year old, I still want her to be able to have a school with great academics and music and athletics. So she can spread her mind into a lot of things to find out who she is. Pray along with me that God makes a way, and that I can with God get my child a better education without breaking my pockets.
I can say that I’m upset. I have a right to be. When I turn on the news I see nothing but bloodshed and mistreating of young people for money. For years personally I have encountered, being seen for money. I was a price tag and wasn’t aware. That’s the way some leaders see the youth, a quick ticket to a lump sum. It’s not fair nor is it right! Did you know that some black teens or young moms have multiple children so that they can receive a larger amount in a tax return?
It sounds and is so defiling for many black youth that aren’t making the same mistakes and growing from their poor choices. I always ask why do they not love themselves enough to want more than a tax return but, can make that and more by owning some things and becoming a leader in these communities. It’s upsetting and it makes me wonder if there is any hope anymore.
Everything on this earth has a price tag, even people, heck even babies. That’s why celebs have a “worth” , why some have multiple kids, why some women and men sell their bodies for money, why we buy into material things we don’t need.
It’s all image and money.
I feel like history is just repeating itself again, instead of going forward,we have allowed a limited amount of growth, didn’t pass down the struggle, and allowed our generations and dignity and integrity to backfire and go backwards!
I ask are these last day issues? Or Just a world full of foolishness. I know it’s the last days. God have mercy on the hearts of the greedy and cold.
I always hope and wish for things to turn around, but we also need vessels that are willing to hit the streets not just, hide behind church walls and a computer or phone device commenting. We have enough commentary. We need actions!
We know they exist. No need to give them a stage and award ceremony for doing their job. You would hope that everyone wants to see each other progress, but the days we live in are plain selfish! No one will help the elderly carry bags in, and they are afraid to allow it, cause of the fear of being robbed. No one to congratulate and involve the neighbors in sending off a young black child off to college, without the mentality of assuming someone thinks they are better than someone else. Really? That is very ridiculous. When someone assumes another being is acting like they are better than someone, jealousy usually takes in that spot. You wish you had something they have otherwise you’d know that, you are just as important as they are. Bragging about how much money you make? Why? No one cares for one, two what are you doing with it other than blowing it on material things that wont last? Nothing. When people realize the hype of money and material things is irrelevant, it can help save our culture. Everyone wants to be a model or rapper instead of an activist in the communities. So many are displaying the black culture in a negative way, we wonder why we are targeted. Everyone’s talking but what are they saying? No women teaching other young women about respecting themselves, but the will have many tutorials about how to twerk. Wow. Says a lot. The image is about the body except the brains and the heart. Inspiring young people to buy the things they cant afford, but will go broke buying instead of being responsible. What is there to hate about someone who dropped out, selling drugs, and mis use people? Nothing! Your “fan club” aka haters, that your imagining you have, don’t exist. Your delusional.