Choosing to be sober and deal with life ….. came with so much I didn’t expect. Emotions like crazy. Apologizing. Forgiving myself and others. Accountability. Loving on purpose. Thinking of how I can affect someone in multiple ways, so I’m making sure I don’t make the wrong ones. Just simply wanting to work on trauma and heal so that I can be at peace. Peace within self. You’ve ever experienced so much noise, that it gets so loud you can’t take it? Then decide ok THIS IS ENOUGH!!! I want PEACE so I got to take out this trash and unpack all this trauma so I can win and do better for the future mini me’s. I’ve cried so much, talked out so much, realized why I do this and that! & it’s beautiful but UGLY! Because you experience yourself in the most truest form. The good the bad, the ugly, the vulnerability, the ego, the pride, the little girl and the grown woman. Taking it all in to love on purpose and to possess wholeness and love and freedom of happiness because I did the work. The journey gets lonely because you have to choose between the past and how it’s been going and, what you desire to be. Not both. One or the other, which could cause you to lose friends or family. So to anyone who’s also on this path, know I am too. Far from perfect and not trying to be, just trying to be better than I was/am. -B❤️
I lost my world. She was the type of girl that knew how to make you smile when you had a bad day. The type that would make you mad but so beautiful that looking into her eyes would change every bit of anger you might’ve felt. She’d rub my chest so effortlessly and with each stroke I felt so much love. Her smile would brighten up and bad day or make a good one much more vibrant. We had fun, so much of it. She introduced me to new things and places and a different level of maturity but things took a turn. She turned into someone I wasn’t use to. Then instead of being beautiful together it became damaged. Broken. Sad. Depressing. Always love between the both of us but because of life we skipped passed loving each other to being against one another. Not realizing that as long as we had each other we would figure things out together. But we both lost sight and acted out in ways that tarnished our union. We tried to get it back we knew we fucked it up. We didn’t know how to get it right so I had to let her go. Doesn’t mean my heart don’t ache knowing I’m going to wake up alone now. That, her smile isn’t going to light my heart like it use to. That those laughs and moments we shared is now just memories and I can’t live them. There’s no more US. We’re two souls that were together and now we’re over and going our separate ways I can’t help but to feel like somethings missing. And it’s you. But in my mind I know it’s the right thing to do. They said true love find its way back, and even if we don’t find our way back I’m still lucky to have known what a piece of love felt like.
I never meant to hurt you, never meant to make you cry, but in it I was alone and it took a while to decide.
Decided if it was meant to hold on to, decide if I was thinking too much, even decide to let you go because of how hard I seen you try.
It was never meant to break you, never meant to hurt you, never my intentions to become like the others, which is why I told the truth.
I didn’t hide how I felt and didn’t treat you like shit, I didn’t even go out of my character and solved my frustration with my fist.
I was meant to show you what love looked like and prepare you for who you were meant for. I knew it wasn’t me I was just kidding myself and got caught up in lust that love never took place.
I didn’t get butterflies, or felt like I couldn’t do it without you. You may have felt it for me but it was a one way story.
True love will just happen not forced. I didn’t want to force myself to care for you in a way you did for me cause it wasn’t fair to me. Neither to you to have to wait for me to be sure if you were the one to grow with.
I wanted to feel like everything in the room stopped when I seen you. Like my heart skipped a beat once I kissed you. Like the night was my favorite cause I would wake up next to you.
It wasn’t meant to lead you into a path of hurt, it just wasn’t meant for us to work.
I can love the part you hate the most about yourself, where you see an emptiness, I see a place I can fill.
I can see past your fear, of loving someone and being hurt, I’ve been there too, but it’s more than your heart that I see in you.
I can change how others made you feel, by loving you the way you always wanted but always lacked and accumulated many disappointments that brought you to this moment.
I can make you question my love, but once I show you all I can do, I can also make you accept what your not use to.
I can make you laugh and feel wanted, I can play with your body and love your mind yet carefully hold your heart in the same place as mine.
I can give you more than the usual. But can you handle the abnormality of what I’m willing to hand you.
I can make foreign things become home, and that means safe, but I understand your fragile from the past and this is a weird place, yet I’m willing to do it all and still wait.
Bruises heal in time, it takes taking care of wounds for them to heal, so why not let me care for those wounds and we both watch what’s real.
I can and I know you want me to, but don’t let the past make you miss out on what’s rare and true. Someone who don’t love them can never love you, and I love myself enough to love more than you.
I fell deep for someone who didn’t love me the same.
Someone I would’ve went to war for didn’t even know my name.
Tragedy in my heart when I had to let it go, knowing you were my everything and I couldn’t let you know.
I’m always incomplete now cause I feel like you took the best of who I am when you decided to up and leave, but I’m trying to move forward and find you to get closure but now the trail of my broken heart is covered with others broken pieces too.
Why it takes years to find myself and when it only took you a matter of seconds to murder mine?
Why can’t i rewind the time and avoid meeting you or giving you a chance.
True enough what’s done is done. One day I’ll find the part of me I lost in you. Once I found the one who can’t live without me, like I thought I couldn’t breathe without you.
Not sure how many of you actually watch the news. Personally I don’t. I get very emotional and angry because of the violence and lack of Justice in the system and on the streets.
I’ve watched too many videos of murders and people in courtrooms crying out in an agony I can’t seem to catch a grip of my own tears. My heart seems to always go out to the mothers and fathers that lose their children over and over everyday to some act of foolishness.
The issue is my warm heart and I won’t use issue I will say a gift. Not too many care about others but I see them and instantly wish there’s something I can do to help. That’s the heart of a giver.
Life’s too short but it shouldn’t be. Many say it’s in Gods plan but I don’t believe it ALL is his plans. It’s the work of the enemy and we have a hit out on our lives because of where we come from. We are targets for failure and lied on when we become successful and targeted if we tell the truth about what’s really going on.
It’s a level of pain I can’t seem to take in all alone. I share this same anger with a few of my friends who feel they only step ahead to get knocked back 10. I have no “it will get better” speeches anymore. I have no “keep pushing” notes. All I have is my eyes that sees so much pain in others I can’t seem to comfort their level of pain.
What can you say to a mother and father that lost their 6 year old?
What can you say to a young man who years were locked away in a prison for something he didn’t do?
What can you tell the mothers when their men are locked away and no man is around for their children? When they have to work 3 jobs to make ends meet alone and can’t be there around the clock for the children.
So what happens? The streets raise the children and it’s a repetitive curse on people.
It use to be villages. Those who watched out for others. Now there are self centered ones who only care about their own. When really everyone is our responsibility.
Boy sometimes it’s a love hate relationship with you. Sometimes I love you because of the possibilities and the love and affection given. Then I hate you for my falls and my trials and the way being down have my emotions.
They say pressure is good. But Life you can come with so many ups and downs which makes you beautiful. Well sometimes if I’m being truthful.
This ugly earth and its pain I can’t just sit around while lives are being taken, and the homeless left without a place to live or food to eat, while most are throwing away what they were given.
Not earned in any way. Those are the ones that takes advantage of the good. While in the bad they try to make the best.
Talk about unfair talk about grief. Talk about pain and struggle talk about what’s above the surface and ignore what’s beneath.
The loud cries for justice for this 9 year olds parents. She was just sitting in her home- a safe place we thought- to turn around and get hit by a bullet. Plain innocence not wrong. They are taking childhoods away and we stand back and watch and won’t say a word.
Street Cred goes to those who stand up against wrong in my book. You get respect because of who you are and if you stand for something. Not for hiding and ruining lives of others by living in an image of a thug.
I’m frustrated and I’m angry all these topics and no solutions but more than that no people standing as one to resolve this confrontation.
Sometimes i wish I could live in my dreams and remain unconscious because being conscience seems to be a reality and level of hell I wasn’t prepared for.
I allowed my shield to be withdrawn from my world. Then I allowed you to explore my land. Know my ins and outs, my beauty and my rough areas that needed some reconstruction. You came to me telling me your good at rebuilding and I agreed to let you help me rebuild my world into something beneficial to more than myself to give back into what my dreams were.
I opened myself in every way I could. True naked exposure.
While I was exposing my world you didn’t let me explore yours. When I asked questions as to what your dreams were, you always answered my focus is you.
I didn’t see the signs of secrecy.
The entire time I was exposing myself and I realize the hurt behind it, I found you did expose yourself. As the deceiver you truly were. You took my beautiful exposure as a field to plot your advantage spree.
So now as I re-shield my world, the next explorer will have to prove more of their worthiness to journey through my truths.
As I sit in a pool of my failures I wonder where did I go wrong. Countless attempts to get out of the gutter, seemed to pull me deeper into an extremely dark abyss. Tears of emotions of disappointments and whys, I thought I was living life the right way, by doing right.
Doing right but treated wrong by those doing wrong yet still doing right ignoring the wrongs of others.
Painting a picture of light but it seems the painter was colorblind to the choosing of color.
Blinded thinking I was painting this big bright sun, when it was finally revealed to my sight, I painted a dark whole.
It sucked away my encouragement and dreams.
Things I didn’t realize where up for grabs and felt like my soul was sold.
I can’t see, I can’t see.
Like someone poured alcohol in my eyes, I can’t see, the pain is unbearable I can’t breathe.
My lungs go out and my heart stopped beating.
Or was it that my heart stopped beating, my lungs went out and I couldn’t breathe, someone blinded me with fabrication of what I was doing so I did not see. I can’t see, I can’t see.
It’s a shame when your dreams just end up being memories.