Healing Journey

Choosing to be sober and deal with life ….. came with so much I didn’t expect. Emotions like crazy. Apologizing. Forgiving myself and others. Accountability. Loving on purpose. Thinking of how I can affect someone in multiple ways, so I’m making sure I don’t make the wrong ones. Just simply wanting to work on trauma and heal so that I can be at peace. Peace within self. You’ve ever experienced so much noise, that it gets so loud you can’t take it? Then decide ok THIS IS ENOUGH!!! I want PEACE so I got to take out this trash and unpack all this trauma so I can win and do better for the future mini me’s. I’ve cried so much, talked out so much, realized why I do this and that! & it’s beautiful but UGLY! Because you experience yourself in the most truest form. The good the bad, the ugly, the vulnerability, the ego, the pride, the little girl and the grown woman. Taking it all in to love on purpose and to possess wholeness and love and freedom of happiness because I did the work. The journey gets lonely because you have to choose between the past and how it’s been going and, what you desire to be. Not both. One or the other, which could cause you to lose friends or family. So to anyone who’s also on this path, know I am too. Far from perfect and not trying to be, just trying to be better than I was/am. -B❤️

Sweet Love

I loved you from the first time I saw you. Mean. Beautiful. Full of purpose. Living in your truths and not afraid to share your wisdom. I remember that first dance. How I felt like I was in this trance, fantasy world. With my fantasy girl. Vibrations high. Souls alined. Peace and comfort moved me into something deeper than I’ve ever known. We locked eyes across the room, and you said I love you too. Knowing what I was thinking and feeling without me having to move my lips. The way our minds and hearts were connected it was like being conjoined like hips. My safe space and everything. Could’ve been the true love of my life until I ruined it. I never knew a love like this. Could’ve been why I sabotaged it. How do you connect so deeply with a soul. See them on a level no one else has and love them so much you had to let go? I knew I couldn’t be that person you fell for because i got lost in the world instead of loving the world that was created when we connected. I regret a lot. But never loving you. My fantasy girl.

Separated.

I lost my world. She was the type of girl that knew how to make you smile when you had a bad day. The type that would make you mad but so beautiful that looking into her eyes would change every bit of anger you might’ve felt. She’d rub my chest so effortlessly and with each stroke I felt so much love. Her smile would brighten up and bad day or make a good one much more vibrant. We had fun, so much of it. She introduced me to new things and places and a different level of maturity but things took a turn. She turned into someone I wasn’t use to. Then instead of being beautiful together it became damaged. Broken. Sad. Depressing. Always love between the both of us but because of life we skipped passed loving each other to being against one another. Not realizing that as long as we had each other we would figure things out together. But we both lost sight and acted out in ways that tarnished our union. We tried to get it back we knew we fucked it up. We didn’t know how to get it right so I had to let her go. Doesn’t mean my heart don’t ache knowing I’m going to wake up alone now. That, her smile isn’t going to light my heart like it use to. That those laughs and moments we shared is now just memories and I can’t live them. There’s no more US. We’re two souls that were together and now we’re over and going our separate ways I can’t help but to feel like somethings missing. And it’s you. But in my mind I know it’s the right thing to do. They said true love find its way back, and even if we don’t find our way back I’m still lucky to have known what a piece of love felt like.

It was never meant….

I never meant to hurt you, never meant to make you cry, but in it I was alone and it took a while to decide. 

Decided if it was meant to hold on to, decide if I was thinking too much, even decide to let you go because of how hard I seen you try. 

It was never meant to break you, never meant to hurt you, never my intentions to become like the others, which is why I told the truth. 

I didn’t hide how I felt and didn’t treat you like shit, I didn’t even go out of my character and solved my frustration with my fist. 

I was meant to show you what love looked like and prepare you for who you were meant for. I knew it wasn’t me I was just kidding myself and got caught up in lust that love never took place. 

I didn’t get butterflies, or felt like I couldn’t do it without you. You may have felt it for me but it was a one way story. 

True love will just happen not forced. I didn’t want to force myself to care for you in a way you did for me cause it wasn’t fair to me. Neither to you to have to wait for me to be sure if you were the one to grow with. 

I wanted to feel like everything in the room stopped when I seen you. Like my heart skipped a beat once I kissed you. Like the night was my favorite cause I would wake up next to you. 

It wasn’t meant to lead you into a path of hurt, it just wasn’t meant for us to work. 
 

From A Distance.


I had a crush on you, though you never knew me. Always thought you were cute and I heard stories bout the person you came to be. 

It wasn’t no stalker shit, I never pressed the friend request button, but always wanted to but I felt I wasn’t worthy. I wondered if you were loved properly, as I just knew I could do it better those other chicks wasn’t worthy. I’d fantasize kissing you like in one of those movies. It actually kinda funny. I imagined making love and babies and marriage like I knew you personally. Like I had an encounter with you at least once in life, how I wish you were my story. Like you were mine and we could build something and make history, like the chains that were bound upon us was the challenge for us to become an icon. I thought wrong. Had this vision in my head like someone forgot to turn the lights on, cause it seems kinda crazy to fantasize about you the way I did and could never build up the courage enough to say I wanted you, so strong. But I’d never thought I would have a chance so I took a different road on. My existence wasn’t a factor in your world, I couldn’t love you or talk to you though I imagined many times you were the one. I promise I’m not crazy to have all these thoughts about someone, especially someone I never met in life. And I don’t think I’m wrong for the thought of you in my arms. 



(To be continued)…..


Brianna Whittington ©

It All Can’t Be Golden

Life. 

Boy sometimes it’s a love hate relationship with you. Sometimes I love you because of the possibilities and the love and affection given. Then I hate you for my falls and my trials and the way being down have my emotions. 

They say pressure is good. But Life you can come with so many ups and downs which makes you beautiful. Well sometimes if I’m being truthful. 

This ugly earth and its pain I can’t just sit around while lives are being taken, and the homeless left without a place to live or food to eat, while most are throwing away what they were given. 

Not earned in any way. Those are the ones that takes advantage of the good. While in the bad they try to make the best. 

Talk about unfair talk about grief. Talk about pain and struggle talk about what’s above the surface and ignore what’s beneath. 

The loud cries for justice for this 9 year olds parents. She was just sitting in her home- a safe place we thought- to turn around and get hit by a bullet. Plain innocence not wrong. They are taking childhoods away and we stand back and watch and won’t say a word. 

Street Cred goes to those who stand up against wrong in my book. You get respect because of who you are and if you stand for something. Not for hiding and ruining lives of others by living in an image of a thug. 

I’m frustrated and I’m angry all these topics and no solutions but more than that no people standing as one to resolve this confrontation. 

Sometimes i wish I could live in my dreams and remain unconscious because being conscience seems to be a reality and level of hell I wasn’t prepared for. 

They Never Asked Me What I Wanted

You hear or see on television, how parents or grandparents ask children what do you want to be when you grow up?  

They’d know and say loud and firm a doctor, a lawyer, a firefighter, policeman, super hero, etc. 

Here I am today left without an answer. 

No one asked me. I explored my talents like basketball, drawing, poetry, running, singing. Not once did someone ask what I wanted out of this life. Here as I stand as an adult and they want an answer and a final decision on where I’m going, seeing that my thirties aren’t that far away. They expect more and I expect to have a decision yet when I go to speak in mute. 

I have multiple ideas. Oh yea! Multiple. What I would like to do and even those answer none of them, well maybe a couple relate but they are so far stretched its like trying to tell your mom she’s wrong. 

I sound difficult right? But I’m being honest. I want to be able to make strong decisions. But my focus to stick to one life career choice is really a big mess. College? No College? Work here? Work for myself? Volunteer ? Just all over the map. 

Usually when asked what you want to be your parents or whomever help to steer you in that path. See I’ve been looking out for myself since a kid and even then I was lost as to what to do. I was told maybe you have a disorder where you have trouble staying  focus although possible it still isn’t a excuse. 

I’m bringing awareness to the importance of asking questions you may have not even considered that may affect a child’s life. It’s important to know and support their goals. Even if they’re like me “indecisive” still help talk out of them what it is they really want and help them get there. 

Be present in support. 

Possession Of Real

He motivates me. Always say what I need to hear when I’m slacking on my dreams. He uplifts my dreams as though he say I shouldn’t give up on what I believe. 

But he says I do the same for him. He continues to grow and he acknowledges mine as well. 

He guides me to challenge my spirituality. Be proud of my color. Me more informative about my surroundings and how to get out of the struggle. 

He’s not a man of just words but action. 

I wouldn’t doubt his love because he always show and tells me in ways everyone doesn’t have to know.  

It’s not for everyone to know, he makes sure that I know first. 

His integrity and self worth is noticeable to everyone around him. 

It’s an honor to know him. 

My Everything

  I prepared for your debut. I couldn’t wait to hold you in my arms. I knew the first time I held you, it was love at first sight. 

That smile, that smile. It lit up my life, wondering how can anything be wrong when having you felt so right. 

I swore an oath to protect you, don’t let any harm touch you, and til this day I’ll die before I leave you. 

Your my first born, my treasure. My reason for not giving up. Seeing your face when I wake up gives me strength to be tough. 

Watching your first steps, I remembering almost crying, well mommy cried a lot, especially at Drs. Visits I hated those shots. 

Hearing your scream in pain, made mommy heart break, but I had to get it together to show you it’ll be ok. 

All the days we went to museums and parks, the times we shared that no one can ever question. 

That young lady loves her babygirl, yes I do baby your my world. 

5 years later and your growing so big, still my little Einstein, I guess that’s why your heads so big. 

Everything can feel so wrong, mommy can have bad days but to come home to my angel makes it all go away. 

We have our thing, only we understand. 

One day you’ll understand this love, and know when you came I finally had a heartbeat. 

My lovely baby, I will love you forever and you will always be Cherish(ed)!

For Cherish❤️💞💜

You

You can make it easy to love you. 

You can make it hard to leave 

You can be my strength in the areas I am weak. 

You can be my knight saving me from cold things, you can be my cover, comforting me. 

You can be my partner, my rock, the reason I smile. 

You can be my babe forever and at all times. 

You can be my heart beat, together we are complete, and without you that heart beat skips with emptiness knowing I’m without one. 

You can be the answer to my heart needs and desires, you can be the end to my pain and hard times 

A gift delivered from God, you can be for me and I for you