Choosing to be sober and deal with life ….. came with so much I didn’t expect. Emotions like crazy. Apologizing. Forgiving myself and others. Accountability. Loving on purpose. Thinking of how I can affect someone in multiple ways, so I’m making sure I don’t make the wrong ones. Just simply wanting to work on trauma and heal so that I can be at peace. Peace within self. You’ve ever experienced so much noise, that it gets so loud you can’t take it? Then decide ok THIS IS ENOUGH!!! I want PEACE so I got to take out this trash and unpack all this trauma so I can win and do better for the future mini me’s. I’ve cried so much, talked out so much, realized why I do this and that! & it’s beautiful but UGLY! Because you experience yourself in the most truest form. The good the bad, the ugly, the vulnerability, the ego, the pride, the little girl and the grown woman. Taking it all in to love on purpose and to possess wholeness and love and freedom of happiness because I did the work. The journey gets lonely because you have to choose between the past and how it’s been going and, what you desire to be. Not both. One or the other, which could cause you to lose friends or family. So to anyone who’s also on this path, know I am too. Far from perfect and not trying to be, just trying to be better than I was/am. -B❤️
I had a crush on you, though you never knew me. Always thought you were cute and I heard stories bout the person you came to be.
It wasn’t no stalker shit, I never pressed the friend request button, but always wanted to but I felt I wasn’t worthy. I wondered if you were loved properly, as I just knew I could do it better those other chicks wasn’t worthy. I’d fantasize kissing you like in one of those movies. It actually kinda funny. I imagined making love and babies and marriage like I knew you personally. Like I had an encounter with you at least once in life, how I wish you were my story. Like you were mine and we could build something and make history, like the chains that were bound upon us was the challenge for us to become an icon. I thought wrong. Had this vision in my head like someone forgot to turn the lights on, cause it seems kinda crazy to fantasize about you the way I did and could never build up the courage enough to say I wanted you, so strong. But I’d never thought I would have a chance so I took a different road on. My existence wasn’t a factor in your world, I couldn’t love you or talk to you though I imagined many times you were the one. I promise I’m not crazy to have all these thoughts about someone, especially someone I never met in life. And I don’t think I’m wrong for the thought of you in my arms.
(To be continued)…..
Brianna Whittington ©
I can love the part you hate the most about yourself, where you see an emptiness, I see a place I can fill.
I can see past your fear, of loving someone and being hurt, I’ve been there too, but it’s more than your heart that I see in you.
I can change how others made you feel, by loving you the way you always wanted but always lacked and accumulated many disappointments that brought you to this moment.
I can make you question my love, but once I show you all I can do, I can also make you accept what your not use to.
I can make you laugh and feel wanted, I can play with your body and love your mind yet carefully hold your heart in the same place as mine.
I can give you more than the usual. But can you handle the abnormality of what I’m willing to hand you.
I can make foreign things become home, and that means safe, but I understand your fragile from the past and this is a weird place, yet I’m willing to do it all and still wait.
Bruises heal in time, it takes taking care of wounds for them to heal, so why not let me care for those wounds and we both watch what’s real.
I can and I know you want me to, but don’t let the past make you miss out on what’s rare and true. Someone who don’t love them can never love you, and I love myself enough to love more than you.
Boy sometimes it’s a love hate relationship with you. Sometimes I love you because of the possibilities and the love and affection given. Then I hate you for my falls and my trials and the way being down have my emotions.
They say pressure is good. But Life you can come with so many ups and downs which makes you beautiful. Well sometimes if I’m being truthful.
This ugly earth and its pain I can’t just sit around while lives are being taken, and the homeless left without a place to live or food to eat, while most are throwing away what they were given.
Not earned in any way. Those are the ones that takes advantage of the good. While in the bad they try to make the best.
Talk about unfair talk about grief. Talk about pain and struggle talk about what’s above the surface and ignore what’s beneath.
The loud cries for justice for this 9 year olds parents. She was just sitting in her home- a safe place we thought- to turn around and get hit by a bullet. Plain innocence not wrong. They are taking childhoods away and we stand back and watch and won’t say a word.
Street Cred goes to those who stand up against wrong in my book. You get respect because of who you are and if you stand for something. Not for hiding and ruining lives of others by living in an image of a thug.
I’m frustrated and I’m angry all these topics and no solutions but more than that no people standing as one to resolve this confrontation.
Sometimes i wish I could live in my dreams and remain unconscious because being conscience seems to be a reality and level of hell I wasn’t prepared for.
We have unarmed teens getting killed.
We have soldiers dying everyday.
We have kids starving
We have homeless people in the cold
We have kids killing kids and showing no remorse.
Cancer killing more young people
Kids aren’t growing up
Babies getting rapped
Moms drugged up
Daddy’s missing or locked away.
People working 2-3 jobs to make ends meet
Rich getting richer and poor getting worse.
Where is the sympathy? Where is justice? Where is the drug programs? Where are the parents? Where are the cures? Where is the money?
Cities without water, where is it all going? Where are the shelters? Why are we still at war?
So many questions unanswered I’m starting to get annoyed.
I’m frustrated with this world, I’m mad I can’t do more. Why people with power don’t use it to uplift anymore?
People worried about awards, clothes, and cars. What happened the the leaders of the world? Where are the true stars?
Why so many sleepless nights? Why can’t I cry? So much pain our screams are so high. There’s a drought of change, someone kidnapped love. What does my child has to look forward to? Why not just give a hug? Why not just show compassion? Why keep creating distraction to hide the real actions?
What is going on?
Why are so many people hurting?
Why can’t we find happiness in a time that was fought for us to conquer?
Why am I asking? Why I want to know? Because I’m wondering if I should just give up life, and bury hope.
#why -Brianna Whittington #godweneedyou #changeneedstohappen
The last time I fell in love I was 18 years old. I was head over hills for this guy. & Now 4 years later I’m still single and I’m wondering when did it become so complicated and hard to fall in love.
Now with social media it’s a distraction from people really getting to know each other, so many use Facebook as a tool to be someone their not. Who is actually genuine? Who is actually looking for a wife? Who actually wants to settle down? Who wants to build?
In my head no one. Everything comes so easy in our days no one want to wait or work hard for the long term things that may bring true happiness.
I remember all of the long walks talking about our past. Talking about what we want in the future. Talked about children and careers and God. We laughed at the silliest things because our bond was so strong it was like I knew what he was going to do before he did it. I use to love to see his face and embrace him with hugs, and we would spend hours everyday with each other and I wouldn’t get tired of seeing him. We were together so much it was like we were one, he moved I moved. I moved he moved. Everyone wanted what we had, and I thought it wouldn’t end but something changed.
Being in love is an awesome feeling especially when you know that you are loved too.
I don’t hear stories about real love. The love now days takes 4 days to get and last just about the same then they move on to the next. People use to be heart broken about break ups it would take them years to get over and get moving on dating again. Now they don’t stop they are going to one on to the next one in the same week. That’s unbelievable.
Love isn’t something quick or temporary unless it’s isn’t real nor meant to be.
I thought about the strength I have and a few other women I know. We are what we call the “go to” In our families meaning, we are usually the ones people call to hear their problems. Or solve their problems or play mediator between other grown family members. Sad but true. But the biggest truth behind it all is what we look like naked. Yes! Naked, raw, real, humiliation, just plain naked.
Now if someone was to ask me to stand in front of a mirror naked, and really take a look at myself and share what I see. I could pick out about 10 things about my body that I wish I could change. Not one would be what’s on the inside. People identify strong women as tough or mean or responsible because, that’s what we have been in charge of since children. What about the strong women? Why is it that when they are down other people can’t seem to handle their weakness? Why can’t they be weak, and sad, and irresponsible? Because their too strong? I can’t accept that excuse. In fact it is a deep excuse that repeated and sucks at the same time. In the inside they may be dealing with hurt but have to push theirs aside to help other hurt people. That’s selflessness. They may be struggling with knowing who they are and can still tell you, your deserve better. Not because it’s the right thing to say but, because it’s the truth. When helping uplift others you feel better, you think maybe I saved a life or someone from a bad decision.
I’ve learned that being strong is just who God may have made me to be. Some leaders adapt to that role early so it would be easier later to be the “go to”. Also I’ve learned not to be too strong to not want to show weakness or become insensitive to others situations or my own. Life can be rough and though we need strength more than anything we also need truth. && Truth comes in the rawest form, Without substitute either it is or it isn’t.
Look in the mirror, naked or fully clothed but don’t look on the outside. It’s guarded and maybe fabricated to be someone it’s not. Stop picking out flaws on the outside and work on the inside. Everyone is strong, some of our strengths are just better suited in different environments, but it’s up to us all to keep each other strong. No one left behind in needing strength.
The one who appears to be the strongest, is the one who needs to be lifted.
#strength #power #love #naked #truth #God #Love
Its a blessing to make it tomorrow without being murdered. You use to be able to sit on your porch, now it’s taped off in crime scene tape. When things go on, that need to be stopped, people just stop and record it. Like young Black Deaths is some type of performance. It’s normal for 3 people to die in one day. Not many making it to 18, even 15 year olds being locked away. Money is all people see here in these streets, they will steal and kill just to buy material things. Blinded by truth cause of self. Self don’t want to work hard, just take from someone else. Self don’t want to get involved with someone else life, cause self is too busy worried about helping his self. No one lends a helping hand, no one seen who shot that young man. People seem to protest more about wages and brutality against blacks, but no one is fighting against black on black crimes, and our educational lack. We have more drug dealers than preachers on the streets, not trying to give people hope but helping them kill their untapped dream.
When no one steps up to the plate to witness and help bring change, you mine as well pulled the trigger as well. Too many RIP stats and funerals, they even have coffin stores in the hood, cause murder is so usual. Sad ain’t it? Heartbreaking right? All of the fight within but aiming at the wrong fight. Using people as targets instead of books.
Crime and no hope to see tomorrow, what has my city come to?
Many see children and think, “awwww they’re so cute” yeah they are but stick to babysitting young ladies. The picture of a strong single mother is only show from the outside, but inside it’s a struggle, and I’ll share why…..
When they tell you be careful who you lay with, really listen. It’s not stated to keep you from sex, because it’s just out here these days and times we live in. It’s said so that you can protect your self and your life from being responsible on another level, before your ready. Babysitting your family or friends kids is another thing but raising one on your own is totally different.
Be Selective In Your Mate:
Means truly get to know who your “in love” with. What may seems like the best ever, could turn into the worse decision you’ve ever made. Look at his family and what they are about. If it’s alot of drama, expect more when your carrying his child. Trust me it will get worse! Don’t be fooled by what he says but look at what he does. If he’s even responsible enough to keep his own apartment without any help. Someone who can maintain, and know what it’s like to be responsible.
Waiting til Marriage:
Yeah I know it sounds so ancient, but I wish I would’ve done the same. WAIT til marriage. It’s worth waiting for. If he cant even commit by giving his last name first, then he won’t even commit to a child. In this time they give marriage a bad outlook because of all of the fake reality tv, but marriage is beautiful! It’s worth fighting for and God bless a union that he himself created!
Single Motherhood Is NOT FUN
There will be sleepless nights. Times when you feel like it’s too much. Times when you want to give up. Times where you have no help. Especially to those who don’t have supportive parents. You won’t be able to buy yourself all the things you want, and go whenever you like to. No! You have someone’s life in your hands. You will work harder than the average person to make ends meet. Heck! Even work two jobs maybe three. Miss out on time with your child trying to balance it all out. It’s tough. It’s a blessing to be a mother, and a real mother I may add. It really is. I just dont want others to get caught up in what may seem beautiful (and it is) and miss out on the realness of it!
When it all boils down, you can’t get mad at the father of your choosing, you just have allowed yourself to be fooled! Choose wisely! Really think before you act on how you feel or what you think may keep him. There’s more to life young ladies!
Focus on a better future and enjoying life before committing to a role, you can’t begin to understand and take head on.
For my young ladies who’s already going through this, keep your heads up! Trust in God for better, make better choices and don’t repeat the same mistakes. Know what you deserve and don’t settle for what may seem like it’s the best thing ever!
Be real with yourself and stick to your plan. Being a mother is the best, but it’s best when your ready and have a husband to lend a helping hand.
All love and blessings to my readers.
God Bless your life!
It’s only to help, not judge, cause I’m just like you.
A friend and I recently had a very interesting conversation about how hard it is to make it in our city. We talked about the struggle to pay bills and hourly wages. We’ve discussed other options like college, and military to come up with solutions to better our futures. We can understand the Fustration of the young people on our blocks in these poor communities. They are hungry for a better life. What can you tell a young boy about a college education when, all he know is stealing food from grocery stores to feed his family. It amazes me how many stories I hear of 8,9,&10 year olds, taking on the responsibility of feeding their family. Parents are on drugs or selling their body and still can’t afford to maintain. That young boy learns to do other things to help his family survive. I can tell you what we need, better paying jobs, more opportunities to grow in companies, etc. The only question that comes to mind is, will it ever happen? People see us and think animals, but it’s really just the struggle, the pain, the lack of. Truthfully people have lost hope in better, hearts are cold and people show no remorse for wrong doings. This is not an excuse to continue this treatment but to try to come together and find a solution. One main one, drawing people back to The Father. Teaching them and showing them Faith is key, showing them that your really serious about what you believe in, can help someone else’s Faith. People watch you, whether you realize it or not.
Try to do more than talk, but get involved.