I loved you so deeply, I loved you more than myself. I was willing to do and be anything you wanted me to, just to have you in my life.
One day I woke up. I decided I wanted more. That what you were giving me wasn’t enough for me anymore. I wanted forever with you. I loved you so deeply to a point where I’d do anything to make you happy even if it hurt me. I am scared, because leaving you means leaving what I thought was forever. I had in my mind everything planned. The wedding, the life, the family, the love, YOU. You chose to treat me like a option like I didn’t mean much to you. I finally understood, you didn’t have the love I needed because you didn’t see what I seen in you and I’m ok with that. To me what I asked for was simple, but for you it was too much which proves you didn’t really love me. You cared for me. I’ll be ok though. I’m never going to give up on love. I’m praying one day God sends me that one that knows how to love me and treat me without it being hard. I know I had my problems. I wasn’t perfect. But I just knew I was perfect for you and maybe I was wrong for assuming that. At the end of the day I wish you nothing but the best and happiness. True happiness. And love. It’s really hitting me. The one I chose forever didn’t choose me. So I had to choose me. Hardest thing ever but I had to for ME!
When ya at your lowest and feel there’s no reason to live. No one you can’t count on. No one to help. No one who loves you like they claim. All my life I been put in the back seat while people drove recklessly ending every piece of me I’ve tried to hold onto. Like I’m in this sucker ass game playing a crash dummy allowing someone to keep pushing this button allowing me to crash into this brick wall over and over again. Meanwhile there’s a crowd of people screaming I love you but have the power to end your pain. I thought love was an action word. To me it just seems to be something people say just because. To get you wrapped in everything they want you to, because it’ll benefit them. Not realizing the action behind it can save a life. A lot of lives. Sorry if my deepest feelings offend you. Sorry if you don’t have people that can hold you. Truth is no one shows or tells you how much you mean until it’s the end of you. To tell the truth it’s just hell on earth so I understand why some take there own lives risking the possibility of going there themselves saying it can’t be worse than this. Hoping God will forgive. Hoping he can save you. Like you’re out here to deal with all this pain telling me over and over I will put no more on you than you care bare. But this load too heavy God, I can’t even stand, fighting against demons as if I wasn’t already defeated since life began. Damn. Is this it?
I don’t deserve you.
I don’t deserve to be your friend or your lover.
The way you treat me is so loving and you may be the perfect one but I’m blinded by my own bullshit.
You’ve opened up so many ways to me, and like a best friend to me.
I’ve tried so hard not to hurt you, but low key I did without realizing.
Somethings you haven’t said but I can see it in your eyes. The disappointment of wishing I could get it together and pick you.
But I’m too busy doing the wrong things that I can’t really see you.
I can’t see that your good for me, and the things you’ve done.
I can’t see how u make me smile and I forget about life when I’m with you.
I can’t see how you naturally take care of me.
And I’m sorry for not choosing you. I’m sorry that my heart is still with her.
But I can’t lie a piece of it is with you too.
But I didn’t realize it until now.
The same feelings I tried to deny because I knew I wasn’t good enough right now for you.
You deserve better after all you’ve been through and I still hurt you and I really didn’t mean to.
But through out all of it I just want my friend. My peace through my storm and growth and hurt. That’s what you are and I hate I can’t say I wanna be with you but I have to see this through with her. I hope you understand and I hope we could remain friends, but if not I totally understand and just hope you know, I never meant to hurt your heart again.
I lost my world. She was the type of girl that knew how to make you smile when you had a bad day. The type that would make you mad but so beautiful that looking into her eyes would change every bit of anger you might’ve felt. She’d rub my chest so effortlessly and with each stroke I felt so much love. Her smile would brighten up and bad day or make a good one much more vibrant. We had fun, so much of it. She introduced me to new things and places and a different level of maturity but things took a turn. She turned into someone I wasn’t use to. Then instead of being beautiful together it became damaged. Broken. Sad. Depressing. Always love between the both of us but because of life we skipped passed loving each other to being against one another. Not realizing that as long as we had each other we would figure things out together. But we both lost sight and acted out in ways that tarnished our union. We tried to get it back we knew we fucked it up. We didn’t know how to get it right so I had to let her go. Doesn’t mean my heart don’t ache knowing I’m going to wake up alone now. That, her smile isn’t going to light my heart like it use to. That those laughs and moments we shared is now just memories and I can’t live them. There’s no more US. We’re two souls that were together and now we’re over and going our separate ways I can’t help but to feel like somethings missing. And it’s you. But in my mind I know it’s the right thing to do. They said true love find its way back, and even if we don’t find our way back I’m still lucky to have known what a piece of love felt like.
Ion need no one making life harder for me right now. I’m dealing with a lot. Trying to keep pushing and I refuse to break. If you can’t understand then get out the way. I don’t want any fake love, fake hugs, fake “I gotchu when u need me”. Y’all talk about being there for people but when they call, you’re judging them or not believing them. Then you question their actions as suicides on their mind, then they die, and you’re wondering why. Change the way you deal with folks, stop talking in judgment and help heal these folks. Stop comparing your lives to theirs and just hear these folks. Many aren’t looking for a handout, just a hand, and many are getting weak from the pain of just standing. Not knowing their shoes are unbearable to stand in, not knowing they need a little direction. Not knowing they need a little message, some encouragement to keep fighting, a little goes a long way, just keep fighting. When everyone seems to give up on you, and doesn’t show you love, believe that someone understands you. Believe that someone is out there ready to help you. Believe that your in a world filled with millions of people for a reason that some are here to help you, you’re not alone and not defeated. Life comes with some hard shit and believe me I’m not done beating it. It’s time to show love to those who appear to not need it. Because it’s always the silent ones that cuts are the deepest.
I know there’s a love out here like in the movies. I know it because how would they know how to display something that didn’t happen. I want a love like that. I want to love all of someone and someone love all of me. Even with our flaws we just work through them together because of how much we love each other. That we see the bigger picture when rough times occur, and don’t lose sight of what’s important. Because what’s the point of living a life that doesn’t have love in it. We weren’t meant to be sad and lonely. But to love and be loved. I want that love. My rock and motivation for living. I want to feel incomplete without my mate next to me every second we’re apart. I want to feel an off balance alone becuz I know that with that one I’m whole.
I never meant to hurt you, never meant to make you cry, but in it I was alone and it took a while to decide.
Decided if it was meant to hold on to, decide if I was thinking too much, even decide to let you go because of how hard I seen you try.
It was never meant to break you, never meant to hurt you, never my intentions to become like the others, which is why I told the truth.
I didn’t hide how I felt and didn’t treat you like shit, I didn’t even go out of my character and solved my frustration with my fist.
I was meant to show you what love looked like and prepare you for who you were meant for. I knew it wasn’t me I was just kidding myself and got caught up in lust that love never took place.
I didn’t get butterflies, or felt like I couldn’t do it without you. You may have felt it for me but it was a one way story.
True love will just happen not forced. I didn’t want to force myself to care for you in a way you did for me cause it wasn’t fair to me. Neither to you to have to wait for me to be sure if you were the one to grow with.
I wanted to feel like everything in the room stopped when I seen you. Like my heart skipped a beat once I kissed you. Like the night was my favorite cause I would wake up next to you.
It wasn’t meant to lead you into a path of hurt, it just wasn’t meant for us to work.
I had a crush on you, though you never knew me. Always thought you were cute and I heard stories bout the person you came to be.
It wasn’t no stalker shit, I never pressed the friend request button, but always wanted to but I felt I wasn’t worthy. I wondered if you were loved properly, as I just knew I could do it better those other chicks wasn’t worthy. I’d fantasize kissing you like in one of those movies. It actually kinda funny. I imagined making love and babies and marriage like I knew you personally. Like I had an encounter with you at least once in life, how I wish you were my story. Like you were mine and we could build something and make history, like the chains that were bound upon us was the challenge for us to become an icon. I thought wrong. Had this vision in my head like someone forgot to turn the lights on, cause it seems kinda crazy to fantasize about you the way I did and could never build up the courage enough to say I wanted you, so strong. But I’d never thought I would have a chance so I took a different road on. My existence wasn’t a factor in your world, I couldn’t love you or talk to you though I imagined many times you were the one. I promise I’m not crazy to have all these thoughts about someone, especially someone I never met in life. And I don’t think I’m wrong for the thought of you in my arms.
(To be continued)…..
Brianna Whittington ©
I can love the part you hate the most about yourself, where you see an emptiness, I see a place I can fill.
I can see past your fear, of loving someone and being hurt, I’ve been there too, but it’s more than your heart that I see in you.
I can change how others made you feel, by loving you the way you always wanted but always lacked and accumulated many disappointments that brought you to this moment.
I can make you question my love, but once I show you all I can do, I can also make you accept what your not use to.
I can make you laugh and feel wanted, I can play with your body and love your mind yet carefully hold your heart in the same place as mine.
I can give you more than the usual. But can you handle the abnormality of what I’m willing to hand you.
I can make foreign things become home, and that means safe, but I understand your fragile from the past and this is a weird place, yet I’m willing to do it all and still wait.
Bruises heal in time, it takes taking care of wounds for them to heal, so why not let me care for those wounds and we both watch what’s real.
I can and I know you want me to, but don’t let the past make you miss out on what’s rare and true. Someone who don’t love them can never love you, and I love myself enough to love more than you.
I fell deep for someone who didn’t love me the same.
Someone I would’ve went to war for didn’t even know my name.
Tragedy in my heart when I had to let it go, knowing you were my everything and I couldn’t let you know.
I’m always incomplete now cause I feel like you took the best of who I am when you decided to up and leave, but I’m trying to move forward and find you to get closure but now the trail of my broken heart is covered with others broken pieces too.
Why it takes years to find myself and when it only took you a matter of seconds to murder mine?
Why can’t i rewind the time and avoid meeting you or giving you a chance.
True enough what’s done is done. One day I’ll find the part of me I lost in you. Once I found the one who can’t live without me, like I thought I couldn’t breathe without you.