Healing Journey

Choosing to be sober and deal with life ….. came with so much I didn’t expect. Emotions like crazy. Apologizing. Forgiving myself and others. Accountability. Loving on purpose. Thinking of how I can affect someone in multiple ways, so I’m making sure I don’t make the wrong ones. Just simply wanting to work on trauma and heal so that I can be at peace. Peace within self. You’ve ever experienced so much noise, that it gets so loud you can’t take it? Then decide ok THIS IS ENOUGH!!! I want PEACE so I got to take out this trash and unpack all this trauma so I can win and do better for the future mini me’s. I’ve cried so much, talked out so much, realized why I do this and that! & it’s beautiful but UGLY! Because you experience yourself in the most truest form. The good the bad, the ugly, the vulnerability, the ego, the pride, the little girl and the grown woman. Taking it all in to love on purpose and to possess wholeness and love and freedom of happiness because I did the work. The journey gets lonely because you have to choose between the past and how it’s been going and, what you desire to be. Not both. One or the other, which could cause you to lose friends or family. So to anyone who’s also on this path, know I am too. Far from perfect and not trying to be, just trying to be better than I was/am. -B❤️

From A Distance.


I had a crush on you, though you never knew me. Always thought you were cute and I heard stories bout the person you came to be. 

It wasn’t no stalker shit, I never pressed the friend request button, but always wanted to but I felt I wasn’t worthy. I wondered if you were loved properly, as I just knew I could do it better those other chicks wasn’t worthy. I’d fantasize kissing you like in one of those movies. It actually kinda funny. I imagined making love and babies and marriage like I knew you personally. Like I had an encounter with you at least once in life, how I wish you were my story. Like you were mine and we could build something and make history, like the chains that were bound upon us was the challenge for us to become an icon. I thought wrong. Had this vision in my head like someone forgot to turn the lights on, cause it seems kinda crazy to fantasize about you the way I did and could never build up the courage enough to say I wanted you, so strong. But I’d never thought I would have a chance so I took a different road on. My existence wasn’t a factor in your world, I couldn’t love you or talk to you though I imagined many times you were the one. I promise I’m not crazy to have all these thoughts about someone, especially someone I never met in life. And I don’t think I’m wrong for the thought of you in my arms. 



(To be continued)…..


Brianna Whittington ©

I Can…….

I can love the part you hate the most about yourself, where you see an emptiness, I see a place I can fill. 

I can see past your fear, of loving someone and being hurt, I’ve been there too, but it’s more than your heart that I see in you. 

I can change how others made you feel, by loving you the way you always wanted but always lacked and accumulated many disappointments that brought you to this moment. 

I can make you question my love, but once I show you all I can do, I can also make you accept what your not use to. 

I can make you laugh and feel wanted, I can play with your body and love your mind yet carefully hold your heart in the same place as mine. 

I can give you more than the usual. But can you handle the abnormality of what I’m willing to hand you. 

I can make foreign things become home, and that means safe, but I understand your fragile from the past and this is a weird place, yet I’m willing to do it all and still wait. 

Bruises heal in time, it takes taking care of wounds for them to heal, so why not let me care for those wounds and we both watch what’s real. 

I can and I know you want me to, but don’t let the past make you miss out on what’s rare and true. Someone who don’t love them can never love you, and I love myself enough to love more than you. 

Broken 

At one point I loved you more than myself. I would’ve given anything to make sure you were alright. Now I’m getting the boot, when I remember those who has done worse and still you keep them near. Someone you’ve known a lifetime stabbed you in the back and I’ve only been around some years and held you down more. I didn’t change up or disguard you for another. I kept my promise and treated you like you wanted. Done so many things I can’t undo but like you’ve been hurt I’ve been hurt too. But I forgive and forget because I know you hold a beauty inside my heart no one can. I think the fact you know I can’t see me without you, makes you leaving me knowing it hurts me the worst. Everywhere I go I see your face, every laugh we shared in in every place. Every moment in awake I just wonder how can I make you say, I love you too and I’m still here with you. Heart hurting I can’t fake it. People ask what’s wrong cause I can’t hide it, and I can’t share cause it’s deeper than they’ll understand. Why can’t I just forget you why can I let go. Because I loved you from the soul something you never knew, and could ever appreciate. That I’d do anything for you be anything you needed. Now I have to go on pretending, like I never loved you, like you never existed. 
Lost without you 

Tears of Pain

Not sure how many of you actually watch the news. Personally I don’t. I get very emotional and angry because of the violence and lack of Justice in the system and on the streets. 

I’ve watched too many videos of murders and people in courtrooms crying out in an agony I can’t seem to catch a grip of my own tears. My heart seems to always go out to the mothers and fathers that lose their children over and over everyday to some act of foolishness. 

The issue is my warm heart and I won’t use issue I will say a gift. Not too many care about others but I see them and instantly wish there’s something I can do to help. That’s the heart of a giver. 

Life’s too short but it shouldn’t be. Many say it’s in Gods plan but I don’t believe it ALL is his plans. It’s the work of the enemy and we have a hit out on our lives because of where we come from. We are targets for failure and lied on when we become successful and targeted if we tell the truth about what’s really going on. 

It’s a level of pain I can’t seem to take in all alone. I share this same anger with a few of my friends who feel they only step ahead to get knocked back 10. I have no “it will get better” speeches anymore. I have no “keep pushing” notes. All I have is my eyes that sees so much pain in others I can’t seem to comfort their level of pain. 

What can you say to a mother and father that lost their 6 year old?

What can you say to a young man who years were locked away in a prison for something he didn’t do?

What can you tell the mothers when their men are locked away and no man is around for their children? When they have to work 3 jobs to make ends meet alone and can’t be there around the clock for the children. 

So what happens? The streets raise the children and it’s a repetitive curse on people. 

It use to be villages. Those who watched out for others. Now there are self centered ones who only care about their own. When really everyone is our responsibility. 

It All Can’t Be Golden

Life. 

Boy sometimes it’s a love hate relationship with you. Sometimes I love you because of the possibilities and the love and affection given. Then I hate you for my falls and my trials and the way being down have my emotions. 

They say pressure is good. But Life you can come with so many ups and downs which makes you beautiful. Well sometimes if I’m being truthful. 

This ugly earth and its pain I can’t just sit around while lives are being taken, and the homeless left without a place to live or food to eat, while most are throwing away what they were given. 

Not earned in any way. Those are the ones that takes advantage of the good. While in the bad they try to make the best. 

Talk about unfair talk about grief. Talk about pain and struggle talk about what’s above the surface and ignore what’s beneath. 

The loud cries for justice for this 9 year olds parents. She was just sitting in her home- a safe place we thought- to turn around and get hit by a bullet. Plain innocence not wrong. They are taking childhoods away and we stand back and watch and won’t say a word. 

Street Cred goes to those who stand up against wrong in my book. You get respect because of who you are and if you stand for something. Not for hiding and ruining lives of others by living in an image of a thug. 

I’m frustrated and I’m angry all these topics and no solutions but more than that no people standing as one to resolve this confrontation. 

Sometimes i wish I could live in my dreams and remain unconscious because being conscience seems to be a reality and level of hell I wasn’t prepared for. 

Exposure

Exposure

I allowed my shield to be withdrawn from my world. Then I allowed you to explore my land. Know my ins and outs, my beauty and my rough areas that needed some reconstruction. You came to me telling me your good at rebuilding and I agreed to let you help me rebuild my world into something beneficial to more than myself to give back into what my dreams were. 

I opened myself in every way I could. True naked exposure. 

While I was exposing my world you didn’t let me explore yours. When I asked questions as to what your dreams were, you always answered my focus is you. 

I didn’t see the signs of secrecy. 

The entire time I was exposing myself and I realize the hurt behind it, I found you did expose yourself. As the deceiver you truly were. You took my beautiful exposure as a field to plot your advantage spree. 

So now as I re-shield my world, the next explorer will have to prove more of their worthiness to journey through my truths. 

 

They Never Asked Me What I Wanted

You hear or see on television, how parents or grandparents ask children what do you want to be when you grow up?  

They’d know and say loud and firm a doctor, a lawyer, a firefighter, policeman, super hero, etc. 

Here I am today left without an answer. 

No one asked me. I explored my talents like basketball, drawing, poetry, running, singing. Not once did someone ask what I wanted out of this life. Here as I stand as an adult and they want an answer and a final decision on where I’m going, seeing that my thirties aren’t that far away. They expect more and I expect to have a decision yet when I go to speak in mute. 

I have multiple ideas. Oh yea! Multiple. What I would like to do and even those answer none of them, well maybe a couple relate but they are so far stretched its like trying to tell your mom she’s wrong. 

I sound difficult right? But I’m being honest. I want to be able to make strong decisions. But my focus to stick to one life career choice is really a big mess. College? No College? Work here? Work for myself? Volunteer ? Just all over the map. 

Usually when asked what you want to be your parents or whomever help to steer you in that path. See I’ve been looking out for myself since a kid and even then I was lost as to what to do. I was told maybe you have a disorder where you have trouble staying  focus although possible it still isn’t a excuse. 

I’m bringing awareness to the importance of asking questions you may have not even considered that may affect a child’s life. It’s important to know and support their goals. Even if they’re like me “indecisive” still help talk out of them what it is they really want and help them get there. 

Be present in support. 

Unmarrying Potential 

From a woman’s view we see you, we know what you can be and a lot of us love what we see in you, though the manifestation of you hasn’t been revealed just yet. 
It’s hard to discuss a future of someone who hasn’t finished high school. Why? Following through isn’t a strong suit. Now some may have encountered a rough life so they may have not be able to finish, but if so go back and get it. It’s not judging but if I see and want a future with u I want to know I can depend on you to follow through on small things that don’t cost money for you to finish. 

He may be good with kids, but he may not be father material. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t like them but that he may not be mature enough to raise children if his mind isn’t prepared for the sacrifice it takes. Selfish people aren’t meant for parenting. 

A Job title doesn’t mean you aren’t worthy but if a person keeps quitting because of people or little excuses that doesn’t really matter, that’s an issue. He can’t sit and grow anywhere if he keeps moving. Eventually or if not already he’ll deal with women the same way. Run when it gets tough or just because a new opportunity comes along. 
He may have a good heart and great personality but it’s more to it when building something with someone. You need stability and dependency. Someone strongminded and a go getter regardless of what life throws. That man can get dinner every night. And I can marry and submit to this man. Someone who knows who he is and don’t need a woman to hold his hand like a mom. But stand beside and let him lead, while you support like a partnership. 

That’s love and that’s a lasting marriage. 

That’s the goal ladies. 

Not marrying into what you see but what he does. 
Actions speak louder than words.  

Deficiency Of Light

As I sit in a pool of my failures I wonder where did I go wrong. Countless attempts to get out of the gutter, seemed to pull me deeper into an extremely dark abyss. Tears of emotions of disappointments and whys, I thought I was living life the right way, by doing right. 

Doing right but treated wrong by those doing wrong yet still doing right ignoring the wrongs of others. 

Painting a picture of light but it seems the painter was colorblind to the choosing of color. 

Blinded thinking I was painting this big bright sun, when it was finally revealed to my sight, I painted a dark whole. 

It sucked away my encouragement and dreams. 

Things I didn’t realize where up for grabs and felt like my soul was sold. 

I can’t see, I can’t see. 

Like someone poured alcohol in my eyes, I can’t see, the pain is unbearable I can’t breathe. 

My lungs go out and my heart stopped beating. 

Or was it that my heart stopped beating, my lungs went out and I couldn’t breathe, someone blinded me with fabrication of what I was doing so I did not see. I can’t see, I can’t see. 
It’s a shame when your dreams just end up being memories. 

-B