Tears of Pain

Not sure how many of you actually watch the news. Personally I don’t. I get very emotional and angry because of the violence and lack of Justice in the system and on the streets. 

I’ve watched too many videos of murders and people in courtrooms crying out in an agony I can’t seem to catch a grip of my own tears. My heart seems to always go out to the mothers and fathers that lose their children over and over everyday to some act of foolishness. 

The issue is my warm heart and I won’t use issue I will say a gift. Not too many care about others but I see them and instantly wish there’s something I can do to help. That’s the heart of a giver. 

Life’s too short but it shouldn’t be. Many say it’s in Gods plan but I don’t believe it ALL is his plans. It’s the work of the enemy and we have a hit out on our lives because of where we come from. We are targets for failure and lied on when we become successful and targeted if we tell the truth about what’s really going on. 

It’s a level of pain I can’t seem to take in all alone. I share this same anger with a few of my friends who feel they only step ahead to get knocked back 10. I have no “it will get better” speeches anymore. I have no “keep pushing” notes. All I have is my eyes that sees so much pain in others I can’t seem to comfort their level of pain. 

What can you say to a mother and father that lost their 6 year old?

What can you say to a young man who years were locked away in a prison for something he didn’t do?

What can you tell the mothers when their men are locked away and no man is around for their children? When they have to work 3 jobs to make ends meet alone and can’t be there around the clock for the children. 

So what happens? The streets raise the children and it’s a repetitive curse on people. 

It use to be villages. Those who watched out for others. Now there are self centered ones who only care about their own. When really everyone is our responsibility. 

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It All Can’t Be Golden

Life. 

Boy sometimes it’s a love hate relationship with you. Sometimes I love you because of the possibilities and the love and affection given. Then I hate you for my falls and my trials and the way being down have my emotions. 

They say pressure is good. But Life you can come with so many ups and downs which makes you beautiful. Well sometimes if I’m being truthful. 

This ugly earth and its pain I can’t just sit around while lives are being taken, and the homeless left without a place to live or food to eat, while most are throwing away what they were given. 

Not earned in any way. Those are the ones that takes advantage of the good. While in the bad they try to make the best. 

Talk about unfair talk about grief. Talk about pain and struggle talk about what’s above the surface and ignore what’s beneath. 

The loud cries for justice for this 9 year olds parents. She was just sitting in her home- a safe place we thought- to turn around and get hit by a bullet. Plain innocence not wrong. They are taking childhoods away and we stand back and watch and won’t say a word. 

Street Cred goes to those who stand up against wrong in my book. You get respect because of who you are and if you stand for something. Not for hiding and ruining lives of others by living in an image of a thug. 

I’m frustrated and I’m angry all these topics and no solutions but more than that no people standing as one to resolve this confrontation. 

Sometimes i wish I could live in my dreams and remain unconscious because being conscience seems to be a reality and level of hell I wasn’t prepared for. 

They Never Asked Me What I Wanted

You hear or see on television, how parents or grandparents ask children what do you want to be when you grow up?  

They’d know and say loud and firm a doctor, a lawyer, a firefighter, policeman, super hero, etc. 

Here I am today left without an answer. 

No one asked me. I explored my talents like basketball, drawing, poetry, running, singing. Not once did someone ask what I wanted out of this life. Here as I stand as an adult and they want an answer and a final decision on where I’m going, seeing that my thirties aren’t that far away. They expect more and I expect to have a decision yet when I go to speak in mute. 

I have multiple ideas. Oh yea! Multiple. What I would like to do and even those answer none of them, well maybe a couple relate but they are so far stretched its like trying to tell your mom she’s wrong. 

I sound difficult right? But I’m being honest. I want to be able to make strong decisions. But my focus to stick to one life career choice is really a big mess. College? No College? Work here? Work for myself? Volunteer ? Just all over the map. 

Usually when asked what you want to be your parents or whomever help to steer you in that path. See I’ve been looking out for myself since a kid and even then I was lost as to what to do. I was told maybe you have a disorder where you have trouble staying  focus although possible it still isn’t a excuse. 

I’m bringing awareness to the importance of asking questions you may have not even considered that may affect a child’s life. It’s important to know and support their goals. Even if they’re like me “indecisive” still help talk out of them what it is they really want and help them get there. 

Be present in support. 

My Everything

  I prepared for your debut. I couldn’t wait to hold you in my arms. I knew the first time I held you, it was love at first sight. 

That smile, that smile. It lit up my life, wondering how can anything be wrong when having you felt so right. 

I swore an oath to protect you, don’t let any harm touch you, and til this day I’ll die before I leave you. 

Your my first born, my treasure. My reason for not giving up. Seeing your face when I wake up gives me strength to be tough. 

Watching your first steps, I remembering almost crying, well mommy cried a lot, especially at Drs. Visits I hated those shots. 

Hearing your scream in pain, made mommy heart break, but I had to get it together to show you it’ll be ok. 

All the days we went to museums and parks, the times we shared that no one can ever question. 

That young lady loves her babygirl, yes I do baby your my world. 

5 years later and your growing so big, still my little Einstein, I guess that’s why your heads so big. 

Everything can feel so wrong, mommy can have bad days but to come home to my angel makes it all go away. 

We have our thing, only we understand. 

One day you’ll understand this love, and know when you came I finally had a heartbeat. 

My lovely baby, I will love you forever and you will always be Cherish(ed)!

For Cherish❤️💞💜

Private Education 

I have been looking into sending my soon-to-be 5 year old into private school. The public schools here in Milwaukee just isn’t the best. One problem, the COST of private schooling when your a one income home and no help. I tried to find more scholarships and grants to help and I won’t give up yet. But, it struck a nerve of mine to know how hard it is when you truly want the best for your children. How much money and even more sacrifices I will have to make to get her into one. I will pray that God sends help to get her into one. Public schools aren’t the worst but they just don’t have a heart in them like it use to when I was coming up. It’s sad but also its bad. The inner city as they call bad neighborhood kids don’t get a great education. Barely anything, although I work with my daughter at home and she’s very advanced for a 4 year old, I still want her to be able to have a school with great academics and music and athletics. So she can spread her mind into a lot of things to find out who she is. Pray along with me that God makes a way, and that I can with God get my child a better education without breaking my pockets.

Thanks Guys! 

❤️

Jealousy 

Jealousy

Can be a very odd place to be in. I know for me I have been in that place for many years. Fighting for attention I did a lot of foolish things to get attention or feel love. The good thing is I learned to not go over board with what I would do to grab attention from an adult or person I had a bond with. I remember growing up and I would play all these tricks on my grandmother, give her wet willies and mess with her hair, talk crazy just so she could cuss me out. I thought it was funny but also at that moment I had her attention. I also remember when my brother would come from Chicago once every few years that I hated when he came and loved it at the same time. I loved it because I had my little brother around I hated it because, they would buy him so much stuff anything he wanted and I didn’t even get half of that and I lived there. I had an attitude from the time he would come til he left back home. Jealously. A child needs attention from their parents so that they won’t go searching for it in other people. It can become so crucial for them because they can try to find it in places that can also take their life away. The importance of really showing love, affection, and attention goes a long way. You want to be taught to pass down these things to the generations so your blood line won’t be lost in what others are caught up in doing. Then I remember when I was a kid going to church with my grandmother the pastor would always say “God is a jealous God”. I thought hmmm That’s something. Out of all of the magnificent things that God is he is also Jeaulous? At that time I couldn’t connect what he meant until I reached more into what jealousy really is and compare it to the word. So…. You shall have no other gods before me (Exodus 23:3)

That says a lot. Him knowing that other gods of the world existed he wanted to established that he shall remain number one. Right? And I thought about this how we pray for God to bless us with different positions out in the work world, or a big house, or whatever. Then after while we forget to keep thanking him for all he’s done. We got too hooked on to the tangible things we forgot he was the one who gave it. Then things start to go wrong and you need another blessing from him (the one you forgot about) when it falls apart, you want a new house or job? I can laugh because I have experience this and I say wow you were a trip. So you can have a fit on your grandmother to show attention to you? All that for attention. Sometimes God will take things to grasp our attention, because we do need him. We get ahead of ourselves thinking ok God I got it from here but thanks like, he’s someone who picked you up off the side of the road and drove you 5 miles to the next gas station. He offers to take you all the way but your like nah just give me this and drop me here, and I’ll get myself to this address because I don’t trust you enough to get me there. Yes wow I know. You, WE say this to him each time we take it upon ourselves to drop his way to go on ours. 

Remember who he is and what he can do. He’s unlimited in resources and finances but don’t just limit him to what you want him to do. Remember him and the good and bad. Give him the attention he deserves too. Talk to him, pray with him, read all about who he is, get personally attached, to where your with him so much it’s like your one.