This Is My Sorry

I don’t deserve you.

I don’t deserve to be your friend or your lover.

The way you treat me is so loving and you may be the perfect one but I’m blinded by my own bullshit.

You’ve opened up so many ways to me, and like a best friend to me.

I’ve tried so hard not to hurt you, but low key I did without realizing.

Somethings you haven’t said but I can see it in your eyes. The disappointment of wishing I could get it together and pick you.

But I’m too busy doing the wrong things that I can’t really see you.

I can’t see that your good for me, and the things you’ve done.

I can’t see how u make me smile and I forget about life when I’m with you.

I can’t see how you naturally take care of me.

And I’m sorry for not choosing you. I’m sorry that my heart is still with her.

But I can’t lie a piece of it is with you too.

But I didn’t realize it until now.

The same feelings I tried to deny because I knew I wasn’t good enough right now for you.

You deserve better after all you’ve been through and I still hurt you and I really didn’t mean to.

But through out all of it I just want my friend. My peace through my storm and growth and hurt. That’s what you are and I hate I can’t say I wanna be with you but I have to see this through with her. I hope you understand and I hope we could remain friends, but if not I totally understand and just hope you know, I never meant to hurt your heart again.

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Tears of Pain

Not sure how many of you actually watch the news. Personally I don’t. I get very emotional and angry because of the violence and lack of Justice in the system and on the streets. 

I’ve watched too many videos of murders and people in courtrooms crying out in an agony I can’t seem to catch a grip of my own tears. My heart seems to always go out to the mothers and fathers that lose their children over and over everyday to some act of foolishness. 

The issue is my warm heart and I won’t use issue I will say a gift. Not too many care about others but I see them and instantly wish there’s something I can do to help. That’s the heart of a giver. 

Life’s too short but it shouldn’t be. Many say it’s in Gods plan but I don’t believe it ALL is his plans. It’s the work of the enemy and we have a hit out on our lives because of where we come from. We are targets for failure and lied on when we become successful and targeted if we tell the truth about what’s really going on. 

It’s a level of pain I can’t seem to take in all alone. I share this same anger with a few of my friends who feel they only step ahead to get knocked back 10. I have no “it will get better” speeches anymore. I have no “keep pushing” notes. All I have is my eyes that sees so much pain in others I can’t seem to comfort their level of pain. 

What can you say to a mother and father that lost their 6 year old?

What can you say to a young man who years were locked away in a prison for something he didn’t do?

What can you tell the mothers when their men are locked away and no man is around for their children? When they have to work 3 jobs to make ends meet alone and can’t be there around the clock for the children. 

So what happens? The streets raise the children and it’s a repetitive curse on people. 

It use to be villages. Those who watched out for others. Now there are self centered ones who only care about their own. When really everyone is our responsibility. 

It All Can’t Be Golden

Life. 

Boy sometimes it’s a love hate relationship with you. Sometimes I love you because of the possibilities and the love and affection given. Then I hate you for my falls and my trials and the way being down have my emotions. 

They say pressure is good. But Life you can come with so many ups and downs which makes you beautiful. Well sometimes if I’m being truthful. 

This ugly earth and its pain I can’t just sit around while lives are being taken, and the homeless left without a place to live or food to eat, while most are throwing away what they were given. 

Not earned in any way. Those are the ones that takes advantage of the good. While in the bad they try to make the best. 

Talk about unfair talk about grief. Talk about pain and struggle talk about what’s above the surface and ignore what’s beneath. 

The loud cries for justice for this 9 year olds parents. She was just sitting in her home- a safe place we thought- to turn around and get hit by a bullet. Plain innocence not wrong. They are taking childhoods away and we stand back and watch and won’t say a word. 

Street Cred goes to those who stand up against wrong in my book. You get respect because of who you are and if you stand for something. Not for hiding and ruining lives of others by living in an image of a thug. 

I’m frustrated and I’m angry all these topics and no solutions but more than that no people standing as one to resolve this confrontation. 

Sometimes i wish I could live in my dreams and remain unconscious because being conscience seems to be a reality and level of hell I wasn’t prepared for. 

Exposure

Exposure

I allowed my shield to be withdrawn from my world. Then I allowed you to explore my land. Know my ins and outs, my beauty and my rough areas that needed some reconstruction. You came to me telling me your good at rebuilding and I agreed to let you help me rebuild my world into something beneficial to more than myself to give back into what my dreams were. 

I opened myself in every way I could. True naked exposure. 

While I was exposing my world you didn’t let me explore yours. When I asked questions as to what your dreams were, you always answered my focus is you. 

I didn’t see the signs of secrecy. 

The entire time I was exposing myself and I realize the hurt behind it, I found you did expose yourself. As the deceiver you truly were. You took my beautiful exposure as a field to plot your advantage spree. 

So now as I re-shield my world, the next explorer will have to prove more of their worthiness to journey through my truths.