This Is My Sorry

I don’t deserve you.

I don’t deserve to be your friend or your lover.

The way you treat me is so loving and you may be the perfect one but I’m blinded by my own bullshit.

You’ve opened up so many ways to me, and like a best friend to me.

I’ve tried so hard not to hurt you, but low key I did without realizing.

Somethings you haven’t said but I can see it in your eyes. The disappointment of wishing I could get it together and pick you.

But I’m too busy doing the wrong things that I can’t really see you.

I can’t see that your good for me, and the things you’ve done.

I can’t see how u make me smile and I forget about life when I’m with you.

I can’t see how you naturally take care of me.

And I’m sorry for not choosing you. I’m sorry that my heart is still with her.

But I can’t lie a piece of it is with you too.

But I didn’t realize it until now.

The same feelings I tried to deny because I knew I wasn’t good enough right now for you.

You deserve better after all you’ve been through and I still hurt you and I really didn’t mean to.

But through out all of it I just want my friend. My peace through my storm and growth and hurt. That’s what you are and I hate I can’t say I wanna be with you but I have to see this through with her. I hope you understand and I hope we could remain friends, but if not I totally understand and just hope you know, I never meant to hurt your heart again.

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It was never meant….

I never meant to hurt you, never meant to make you cry, but in it I was alone and it took a while to decide. 

Decided if it was meant to hold on to, decide if I was thinking too much, even decide to let you go because of how hard I seen you try. 

It was never meant to break you, never meant to hurt you, never my intentions to become like the others, which is why I told the truth. 

I didn’t hide how I felt and didn’t treat you like shit, I didn’t even go out of my character and solved my frustration with my fist. 

I was meant to show you what love looked like and prepare you for who you were meant for. I knew it wasn’t me I was just kidding myself and got caught up in lust that love never took place. 

I didn’t get butterflies, or felt like I couldn’t do it without you. You may have felt it for me but it was a one way story. 

True love will just happen not forced. I didn’t want to force myself to care for you in a way you did for me cause it wasn’t fair to me. Neither to you to have to wait for me to be sure if you were the one to grow with. 

I wanted to feel like everything in the room stopped when I seen you. Like my heart skipped a beat once I kissed you. Like the night was my favorite cause I would wake up next to you. 

It wasn’t meant to lead you into a path of hurt, it just wasn’t meant for us to work. 
 

Tears of Pain

Not sure how many of you actually watch the news. Personally I don’t. I get very emotional and angry because of the violence and lack of Justice in the system and on the streets. 

I’ve watched too many videos of murders and people in courtrooms crying out in an agony I can’t seem to catch a grip of my own tears. My heart seems to always go out to the mothers and fathers that lose their children over and over everyday to some act of foolishness. 

The issue is my warm heart and I won’t use issue I will say a gift. Not too many care about others but I see them and instantly wish there’s something I can do to help. That’s the heart of a giver. 

Life’s too short but it shouldn’t be. Many say it’s in Gods plan but I don’t believe it ALL is his plans. It’s the work of the enemy and we have a hit out on our lives because of where we come from. We are targets for failure and lied on when we become successful and targeted if we tell the truth about what’s really going on. 

It’s a level of pain I can’t seem to take in all alone. I share this same anger with a few of my friends who feel they only step ahead to get knocked back 10. I have no “it will get better” speeches anymore. I have no “keep pushing” notes. All I have is my eyes that sees so much pain in others I can’t seem to comfort their level of pain. 

What can you say to a mother and father that lost their 6 year old?

What can you say to a young man who years were locked away in a prison for something he didn’t do?

What can you tell the mothers when their men are locked away and no man is around for their children? When they have to work 3 jobs to make ends meet alone and can’t be there around the clock for the children. 

So what happens? The streets raise the children and it’s a repetitive curse on people. 

It use to be villages. Those who watched out for others. Now there are self centered ones who only care about their own. When really everyone is our responsibility. 

It All Can’t Be Golden

Life. 

Boy sometimes it’s a love hate relationship with you. Sometimes I love you because of the possibilities and the love and affection given. Then I hate you for my falls and my trials and the way being down have my emotions. 

They say pressure is good. But Life you can come with so many ups and downs which makes you beautiful. Well sometimes if I’m being truthful. 

This ugly earth and its pain I can’t just sit around while lives are being taken, and the homeless left without a place to live or food to eat, while most are throwing away what they were given. 

Not earned in any way. Those are the ones that takes advantage of the good. While in the bad they try to make the best. 

Talk about unfair talk about grief. Talk about pain and struggle talk about what’s above the surface and ignore what’s beneath. 

The loud cries for justice for this 9 year olds parents. She was just sitting in her home- a safe place we thought- to turn around and get hit by a bullet. Plain innocence not wrong. They are taking childhoods away and we stand back and watch and won’t say a word. 

Street Cred goes to those who stand up against wrong in my book. You get respect because of who you are and if you stand for something. Not for hiding and ruining lives of others by living in an image of a thug. 

I’m frustrated and I’m angry all these topics and no solutions but more than that no people standing as one to resolve this confrontation. 

Sometimes i wish I could live in my dreams and remain unconscious because being conscience seems to be a reality and level of hell I wasn’t prepared for. 

Rage of Unfair Treatments

I can say that I’m upset. I have a right to be. When I turn on the news I see nothing but bloodshed and mistreating of young people for money. For years personally I have encountered, being seen for money. I was a price tag and wasn’t aware. That’s the way some leaders see the youth, a quick ticket to a lump sum. It’s not fair nor is it right! Did you know that some black teens or young moms have multiple children so that they can receive a larger amount in a tax return? 

It sounds and is so defiling for many black youth that aren’t making the same mistakes and growing from their poor choices. I always ask why do they not love themselves enough to want more than a tax return but, can make that and more by owning some things and becoming a leader in these communities. It’s upsetting and it makes me wonder if there is any hope anymore. 

Everything on this earth has a price tag, even people, heck even babies. That’s why celebs have a “worth” , why some have multiple kids, why some women and men sell their bodies for money, why we buy into material things we don’t need. 

It’s all image and money. 

I feel like history is just repeating itself again, instead of going forward,we have allowed a limited amount of growth, didn’t pass down the struggle, and allowed our generations and dignity and integrity to backfire and go backwards! 

I ask are these last day issues? Or Just a world full of foolishness. I know it’s the last days. God have mercy on the hearts of the greedy and cold. 

I always hope and wish for things to turn around, but we also need vessels that are willing to hit the streets not just, hide behind church walls and a computer or phone device commenting. We have enough commentary. We need actions! 
One Love!